Happy Birthday Lilly bean

Five years ago today I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl. When I was pregnant with Lilly, we had an ultrasound at about 18-19 weeks, we were so excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl. The thought of health issues, I am embarrassed, truthfully never really entered my mind, after having Alexis whom was a healthy baby. We were sitting in the room, full of joy and anticipation not a care in the world. I remember watching the screen and then looking at the ladies face whom was doing the ultrasound. Her face looked concerned and she quickly stopped the polite chit chat. My life in many ways changed at that moment, I could care less if it was a boy or a girl, what color I was going to paint the nursery, how much money we had in the bank account, whether or not I had gained to much weight this month...etc. I remember my eyes swelling with tears and my heart pounding as I asked her what was wrong. She told us she would be back in a minute with the doctor to discuss the ultrasound. The doctor told us they were worried about her heart and that we would have to wait until her heart was more mature at 28 weeks to do further testing....but try not to worry:) (yah right!) The next 10 weeks was a blur, all I wanted to do was clean (yes, this was the beginning to my vacuuming obsession) or sleep. It was like my life was in slow motion, and everyone else seemed to be going on with life...it was totally irritating. I was like how can you smile, when my baby might not live. I always thought I was spiritual but my faith didn't even seem to sustain me. People would tell me to pray, or ask for a blessing, yet I couldn't seem humble myself and turn it over to God. Really long story short, after lots of testing they felt confident that her heart was okay, but that 90% of babies with that type of spot on there heart had Downs Syndrome. We prayed and opted out of further testing to verify that diagnosis. The next 11 weeks I spent trying to wrap my brain around the fact, my baby could have Downs. I was truthfully and whole hearted not worried about loving her, for I already loved this baby more than she would ever know. My worries and tears came from the reality that she would have to go through life with extra challenges, my heart would ache thinking of her being teased or rejected by others, would I ever get to see her get married, go to prom, have children???? I prayed for peace and strength. My mom whom was also deeply worried, went to the temple for comfort. I remember her voice on the other line as she cried and told me that as she was praying for answers, one of the temple workers came up to her out of the blue and said, "Everything is going to be okay." She knew with all her heart that was Heavenly Fathers way of answering our prayers. That knowledge did give me peace, but what did, "going to be okay really mean???" Did it mean she will not have Downs, or that no matter what, it will be okay. Either way I knew it would be okay no matter what...it would be okay. As long as I live, the moment when I was pushing Lilly out I will never forget, it is one of the most glorious moments of my life. I remember having my eyes closed as the doctor pulled out my sweet baby. I opened my eyes to see the most beautiful, perfect, black haired (yes, jet black) baby. People would later say to me wow, all that worry for nothing. Well it wasn't for nothing, I believe every trial has its purpose and its blessings. We don't usually realize the blessings when were in the thick of it, and it defiantly doesn't make what were going through any easier. But I feel going through that has prepared me for other things in my life, it made me a better person, friend and mother in many ways. So today, as I reflect on my sugar bug (Lilly) I want her to know how much I love her and what a blessing she is to me and our family. I want to thank my Heavenly Father for that difficult time and what it taught me. Lilly you have a sweet, soft spoken spirit, I can count on one hand the amount of times we have had to discipline her, she is our peace maker. She loves her big sister, imaginative play, and climbing anything and everything. She has a quirky way of making us laugh with her since of humor, imagination and clumsiness. Happy birthday Lilly...I love you.